As I went to comment on Helen’s post at I’m Living Proof That God Has A Sense Of Humor, it asked me to “Choose An Identity.”
“If only it were that easy,” I thought to myself.
Last week when I wrote for Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, I was no less confused than I am today. I am not anymore sure of myself than I was a week ago. I am not anymore confident in what I want, who I am, or who other people are than I was (whatever 24x7 is) hours ago.
But in a way, I am.
I wish it were as easy as “picking an identity.”
This past week has really tested the identity that I had been picking for quite some time. Usually, I am the best friend. I will do anything and everything to protect and take care of the people in my life no matter what they might do to me. Normally, I am the girl that keeps her cool in any situation and has more patience than any person should ever possibly have. Normally, I am there for someone else way before myself. More often times, I’m taken advantage of.
This past week, I wanted to be someone that could stay mad. I wanted to not be a good person. I wanted to scream and yell and (admittedly) punch something. I didn’t want to take care of her after what she did. Not after the lies that had been told and everything that had happened. I didn’t want her in my bed because she didn’t want to be alone while she felt bad. I didn’t want to help her on her Blount paper or her Math homework.
I did all those things, and have one less “friend” to show for it anyway.
I really do wish it were as simple as picking an identity.
Profile 1: I could be this fabulously chic girl with the designer bag and the Prada shoes to boot (get it? shoes? boot?…) I would have all the cute and super fashionable clothes that draped perfectly over my size 2 frame soaking wet. Throw in a tea-cup sized puppy that bounces when it barks and you have profile 1.
Profile 2: I could be the sport chick that goes around in her under armor and cleats most of the time trekking mud everywhere. My mood on and off the field/court is “Work Hard, Play Tough” and for this reason, there are no men in my life. Who needs men? I’m going to be a famous athlete and make millions on my own.
Profile 3: I could be every guy’s best friend. Yes, you know the girl I am talking about. That girl that most women
secretly not so secretly hate because they connect with your man better (or so you think) than you do. I talk with your man, drink a beer with your man, watch the game with your man, etc. Funny thing is, all the while “your man” has no idea that I’m not a man. I’m the one he talks to about everything, including how much he loves you. I’m that girl. Profile 4 Not really…that would get old fast.
I don’t pick Profile 1, 2, or 3. They aren’t who I am.
I don’t pick any of those profiles or any others that I create from my heightened sense of
sleep deprivation creativity because truthfully, at some point or another, there is a little of everything in me.
I’m not the fabulously chic girl (I don’t even know if Prada makes shoes) by any means unless my fabulous roommates decide to dress me up in something from their closet and do my make up and hair all fancy like. In fact, my wardrobe consists of a lot of crimson in support of UA sports 97% of the time and make up…well, that just doesn’t happen a whole lot.
I’m not the sport chick, because I tore my ACL in the 5th grade and it’s never been the same. Plus, I’d rather watch than play most of the time when it comes to sports.
Ok, I could be profile 3 but only part of the time. I have a lot of guy best friends and always have and never want that to change.
More importantly though, I’m just “Cameon Shiflett.” I’m The Girl Of Many Hats hoping one day I’ll find just the right one that goes with almost everything.