About That Mom Who Isn’t There - You recognize the child as one of your child’s teammates. He’s almost always at practice and the games, being a part of the team. But you couldn’t pick his...
3 days ago
You suggested I “reconnect” with him today. Apparently, you thought we hadn’t communicated in a while, and felt it was necessary for us to do so. Well, you were right.
You got me, I’ll tell you that much.
I had finally reached a point where he didn’t cross my mind each time I went to pick up my phone to see why it was blinking at me, hoping that it was saying, “HE TEXTED! HE TEXTED!” It was finally to that point where he wasn’t constantly crossing my mind. Those times that we shared, those nights we talked, all of the things that happened that we understood but no one else did. They were our little secrets that no one else knew. With school starting, and trying to move on I had finally reached a point where honestly, I had other things going on…so it wasn’t as bad. I had other things to keep me preoccupied, and I made it to where there was no down time for me to think about him.
I had it all figured it into a clever plan, until you came along and messed it up. Now, it feels like I am taking multiple steps back. It’s not your fault though.
You told me to reconnect with him and share my latest news on his wall. What you don’t know is that there is nothing I would love more than to reconnect with him and to share all of my latest news. I would love to tell him that I love my classes and being at UA. The school, the campus, the people…are everything I imagined and more. I would love to tell him about the crazy people at work that I somehow encounter there, and in life in general and share those stories with him...mainly so that I could hear that laugh of his and picture that adorable smile, even if I wasn’t there to actually see it.
I would love to just hear his voice.
Our last conversation and those messages that I couldn’t stand to erase are still there…haunting me; Ever patiently waiting for me to press the wrong button so that they can pop up on my screen telling me, “This is what was, but it’s not now.” His voicemails that should have been deleted quite a long time ago, are still on my phone…creeping up every now and then with the question “Would you like to delete these or save them in your archive?” I always press “9”, hoping to save something…
I found myself deleting the messages and the emails…because I went through that “out with the old and in with the new period,” but couldn’t erase all of them. I went through before starting classes and cleaned out my inbox. I was still left with 16,000 unread messages, but none of them were from him. His had all been read. He made the cut. I read his, before anything else. He was first…in everything.
Sometimes thinking about him makes me wonder if I’ll ever find someone like him again. Someone that can make me feel angry, upset, happy, and thankful all at the same time. Someone that can make me laugh when I need to stop crying, but that knows when I really need to just cry. Someone that isn’t afraid to set me straight in my ways, and have a discussion with me.
Then again, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought it was him, but I’m starting to realize that maybe I just loved the idea. Who wouldn’t?
There is no chance to reconnect though Facebook, and I am sorry to tell you that because I know that is what you strive to do on your social networking site. You strive to reconnect people. However, we can’t be reconnected, as much as I wish we could be. It is just simply not in the cards.
He isn’t here anymore. He’s gone. We’re gone. There’s no reconnecting that. I wish things could have been different. I wish the things that I said weren’t the last things he heard me say. They were though, and there is no changing that.
I can’t reconnect with him, but there’s not a day that I didn’t wish for that chance. Just to have that chance to say, “Congratulations. I love you!” just so that he would know.
The Bama Chick