I thought I had it all figured out. Most people my age do. We think that love will and can conquer the world. We think that the person we might have been together with for a short time, let’s say a year, will be the person that we can spend the rest of our lives with. We think we know all of life’s enjoyments simply because we can watch “R” rated movies without an adult with us. Because well, we think we are the adult.
I realized last night, that I don’t know much, if anything at all.
Yesterday was a beautiful day. Around 70 degrees with the sunshine out, I thought, “Spring is finally here!” Once again, as I look and see that it’s supposed to be a high of 50 degrees tomorrow, I am shown how little I know. Yesterday was the perfect day for T-Town and getting away.
This was my Spring Break, and while many of my friends went to the beach or Mexico and got into Lord knows what, I stayed around Birmingham and worked. Going to T-Town this weekend was the only thing I really wanted to do. It’s a nice little drive, there are great people, and Baseball. Plus, unlike the rest of the week, the weekend was supposed to be gorgeous. I was looking forward to my little vacation.
During my drive down there with the windows down, phone thrown in my purse, and the music up I wasn’t focused on anything else but the road. It was during the game, when everything hit me.
Alabama, in a lot of ways, defines me. Or I thought it did anyway. Alabama has become that place that I can escape to and not worry about anything. It’s where I can go on the weekend and get away. I was thinking all that and then came to the conclusion I had no clue who I’d become.
At one point, my life was defined by my family and friends. They came first, no matter what. Now, I really don’t see that as the case. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my family and friends and will be there for them no matter what. It’s not the same as it once was though. We are all into our different things, and even though we know what kind of flowers each other likes, we don’t take the time to stop and get those.
I don’t know who I am, what I want, and even worse, how to get where I think I want to go. I’m not sure how I’ve gotten to where I am. So I drove around Tuscaloosa last night trying to figure out what to do, and I realized, that I have no clue. Even worse, it’s something that I have to figure out on my own, because if someone helps me, I’m becoming who they want me to be.
Sometimes, I wish life were as simple as having to learn that if you put your hand on the stove, you will get burned. At that age, you are probably as close to who you’ll ever be as you might ever get. And while doing so, you live, laugh, and love without a second thought or worry. But it’s not that easy now, and my biggest fear is getting burned and getting into something I can’t get out of. Or even worse, being afraid of getting burned, and missing out on making the best meal of my life.
I’m not worried about things defining me because those will come along the way I think. I’m not worried about what other people think of me and how others see me. I’m worried about how I define myself, and if there even is a definition. I’m worried that I’ve tried so hard to not let people see who I really am, that I forgot who I really was. Or even worse yet, that I don’t even know who that person is myself.
Very few people have it figured out. I guess I’m wanting to be the exception, and not the rule…as always. So, I might be quiet here in the next week or two. I might not be as cheerful as I usually am. I probably won’t respond to your emails or messages…but it’s not because I don’t love you and it’s not because I don’t want to be there for you. This is just my time for me, and I’ve missed out on that.