In chemistry class, we learn that if you keep certain chemicals bottled up inside for a long enough time frame, they combust. Last night the chemicals inside of me called anger, sadness, stressed and stubbornness combusted.
I have come to a point where I have realized that I simply can’t fix everything. This is a somewhat sad/shocking realization to me since all throughout my life I have tried to fix things. I tried to fix my doll when it broke. I tried to fix my friends when they were sad. I tried to fix my family when I thought something was wrong.
All throughout my life, I have been the girl that people come to for help with various things. Random people will start talking to me about their marriage issues or the problems they are having with their kids or their jobs in WalMart while I am buying groceries. This is all fine. I guess I just have a friendly face. Hopefully, or at least I hope, they just need someone to listen, and I am glad to be that person for them.
However, there are other times when they need that someone to make them feel better and boost their self confidence which I am also pretty good at. I’m famous for helping friends through breakups and making them realize that they didn’t need them anyway. They were better than him and his three other girlfriends (or vice versa). These talks usually contain copious amounts of ice cream or their favorite dessert and smash talking whichever person it was, until they realize how much they really cared about them…and then we have the tears. Repeat process, and you have a normal ritual of break ups with Cameon.
Last night, I came to terms with the fact that I had been playing the “I don’t need him,” “I’m better than him,” “Why do I care anyway?” card…and that slowly it was wearing off. I’m usually pretty strong when it comes to breakups. Most of the time actually, I simply walk away with not much else to say. I guess it was everything put together this week, but I finally came to terms with the fact that I really did care about him, and I probably always will. Those walls I built and reinforced like my Daddy taught me were being torn down. Worse than that, I did need him and that scared me. I wasn’t better than him, because we were pretty equal. The worst part of it all though, was realizing that I not only cared, but I cared a lot. I truly miss(ed) him.
This is all different, because I’m not used to this feeling. I’ve realized that it is going to take time to get over this if I ever really want to have another shot at a somewhat decent relationship. It’s going to take going through the sad, so that I can get to the better. But, it’s part of life and I guess everyone goes through that first bad break up. I guess I had just avoided mine until now…a good bit after the fact (talk about procrastinating).
Along with the realization that I missed him, I also realized that I once had it all figured out. I thought I was ahead of the pact. When I went off to school this August, I proudly had an answer for people when they asked me what I was going to school for. I felt bad for the people that didn’t know and I couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to not know what you wanted to be when you grew up. I’ve always had a purpose and a way of doing things in my mind.
I’m not so smug now.
Teaching jobs are incredibly hard to come by in a school where you don’t risk your life everyday going into work. Even if you get that said teaching job, getting tenured is even harder. Not to mention, parents are so distraught about the public education school system, the number of kids homeschooling has millionupled (it’s a word, look it up).
I have tons of people tell me “You need to go into Journalism,” and for the longest time I thought they were crazy. Now, it seems like it could be a possibility. Journalism is an iffy field as well though, and my greatest fear in life is being picked last, or not being picked at all (Hence why I did not Rush).
I also have a friend that is going through some hard times. I realized last night, I have no idea how to help him. Most of the time, I have an answer. I can pull out my “Cameon charm” and have someone laughing in about thirty seconds and they forget (although it might be temporarily) that they were sad or unhappy about something. Not this time. I have tried everything I know to try. At the end of the day though, I’ve realized that I can’t fix everything.
He and I are so much alike that we are too nice to each other. We both say things to the other one I think, so that the other one doesn’t get mad because we both hate to fight. Because of this, he doesn’t really let me know what’s going on, and I don’t know how to help.
I’ve come to realize, that someone can only be helped if they really want to be helped. I can be a friend. I can be a shoulder. I can be support. Other than that, I can only do what they really want to be done to them.
Obviously, the last few days have been a little hard. However, I am determined that the good guy always wins. We may not get the headlines like the bad guys do, but people do notice. Hopefully.
This is what college is all about I think: Coming into who you are. I thought I had it all figured out…
Boy, was I wrong?
Next time: Get the pedestal polished; I’ll be talking about Greek Life.
The Bama Chick